I used to crave to cut. I would need it. I needed to feel. But now it’s different. I want it more than need. No it’s still a news because the feeling I get when I do it is calm. My mind goes blank before during and after. It’s all I focus on. When the cut happens I physically feel high.
The crazy thing is that I know better. I’ve been in this boat before. Last time was in high school. I stopped after because I thought college would be different. It is. But people have similar personalities. It’s not them that I hate as much as myself. I’m my own worst enemy.
In high school they laughed. Thought it was manipulation. The attention initially felt good because my “friends” never noticed me. I laughed to. They didn’t know my pain. I laughed at them. I thought they were silly. I truly didn’t want to recognize my own pain. I knew I was scarred but I thought I had control.
So I stopped. When I stopped cutting I started feeling bad because the kids laughs didn’t seem the same. I became weaker. I recognized how silly must’ve looked to them. And I found out how much I felt I needed to do it. I feined for it. I went from scissors to steak knives. The craving was bad. I didn’t get it. I had control right?
Until it was late at night and I would feel a feeling. All I could think was I should cut. I didn’t want to show anyone. I just wanted it. Their ridicule was also in my mind. My so called bff would check my wrists in front of ppl. My pain was not even my own. It was dictated by what others saw and thought. Embarrassed I stopped for good. Until 6 years later here I am again.
I can’t tell anyone because they’ll think I’m joking. Wanting attention and manipulation like before. Everyone really thinks I’m this happy person. It’s crazy!! Because everything inside me is screaming I fucking hate you all! I hate me! I want to run hide go to South America or Europe! Just leave me alone!! But when I say how unhappy I am they say but everyone likes you. You’re always smiling. Stupid people. If I frowned you wouldn’t even see that. Idk. Nothing makes sense anymore.